I am feeling low. I know that, especially in my own life, it goes in peaks and valleys. Though ever since brain surgery last year I’ve being circling one particular valley getting higher than getting lower yet always in that same valley. The newest development in my story is that I am having increased difficulty urinating or emptying completely is more like it. My mom has gone back to catheterizing me and the results are large amounts of urine which is concerning because THAT much urine should not be sitting inside me. We know there’s a problem. To add on I can’t see the advanced urologist until the end of this month. On top of that my mom is going to Canada to visit her mom and I’ll be without her for 8 days. I hate this. My mom and I attempted this morning in teaching me how to catheterize myself and I got to get a full look at my vagina for the first time in several years and she aint pretty to this my mom replied whose is? We tried yet did not succeed and if only I had a penis, then maybe this would work. But with a vagina you have to hold a lot back to access the hole.

I’m 20 fucking 4!!! 24. So the only option that really only exists now is to put in a catheter…at least while my mom is away but what if that’s not true. What if it’s come to that place? I can’t accept that. That’s too much for me. I can’t attach myself to that identity. Not gonna lie my biggest concern is my sex life. I already have other obstacles in my way for sex:

1. I live with my parents
2. I use a walker most of the time
3. I want to f around yet always need to stay safe
4. I use online dating and haven’t had any luck thus far
5. I have a slightly unsymmetrical face, but I really don’t think of this as an obstacle just a slight nuisance.

6? And now I may be adding oh yeah, I have a catheter. I can’t fuck around with a catheter!!! Having a catheter already predisposes you to UTI’s (something I’m unfortunately all too familiar with) not to mention having sex with one in??

So, no. The woman I am inside wants sex, she wants to run, she wants to live on her own in Boston, she wants to live the life she’s got so unapologetically herself that the world looks at her and realizes they’ve been doing it wrong! And I can do it all, minus the running. Let me rest for days on end because my body is in an invisible fight every day and it doesn’t need an audience to be appreciated and seen. When I fall, not only does it hurt my body but it hurts my soul. Falling for me is such a reminder that “no you can’t do that.”

The other day my walker broke on me and I fell down hard on a preexisting wound. The scab came completely off and it was the ultimate betrayal. Like really? The device I need to HELP me walk decided ‘nah bitch I’m out’. The funny thing is the first fall happened on my electric e-tricycle and the second from a walker malfunction. Both these devices are designed to HELP me not hurt.